Breaking: Newly Approved 8-Man Super Conferences Solve Scheduling Woes

In a wildly unexpected decision officials have elected to create a super eight-man conference where those 11-man programs which elect to declare for eight-man before the transfer deadline of May 1 will become immediately eligible for the newly formed 2025 playoffs. In a unique twist there will be either a resulting one or two added 32-team classes in eight-man next fall, depending on interest shown by the 11-man schools in this concept, which had been discussed in private meetings for some time, most of them held in open air garages during the summer when the weather was hot and humid

For instance, if up to 32 current 11-man programs declare for eight-man there will be one added super conference; if the number exceeds 32 there will be room for up to 64 teams, divided into two added classes. The new super conferences will go by the handles of D1-A and D1-AA.

Once the total number of declared schools is certified schedules will be drawn up that day at the back table of Merry Martini Lounge in Dodge, Nebraska, located about an hour northwest of Burke Stadium, which has hosted so many of our state’s most memorable high school sporting events.

All 32 teams of one, or both, super conference(s) will be eligible for the 2025 playoffs. With a sensitivity toward geographic matters the opening round games will be played in eight “pods”, with two games being contested at the following facilities, listed from west to east, with no regard to north and south:

1. Combs Field, Potter. Named for eight-man hall of fame coach Al Combs, they’ll need to remark the field but maybe they can get Tony Ottoson to help with that.

2. Hemingford High School. Where they haven’t yet named the field for Colt Foster, but they should have.

3. Sandy Yorges Field, Hyannis. Waddaya mean they didn’t? (Come on, people...)

4. Lee Koch Field, Wauneta. By executive order of the superintendent.

5. Rusty Eisenhart Field, Culbertson. Not sure why they hadn’t thought of that before...

6. Reggie Smith’s Backyard, Dunning. Sandhills High has its football field there.

7. Eugene Andre Field, Arnold. You had to know, and besides Eugene was a state champion shot putter on the side.

8. Jug Brown Stadium, Falls City. Providing for east/west balance in the bracket.

Sweet 16: Games to be played simultaneously at Lawrence and Nelson. After party at Dick’s Place.

Elite Eight: Back-to-back-to-back-to-back games played on the turf at Russ Hochstein Field, a name which is only fitting.

Final Four: Daytime doubleheader played at Parkview Christian. (Six-Man, I know, but I love that little field...)

Championship Game: Howells High School. The great Scott Polacek on the PA mic, and free Ceska Buchtas for everybody!

* In another break from current policy, NIL funds will be provided to all playoff teams (100 bucks) with Final Four teams receiving an added stipend and state finalists receiving $500 each, along with a gift bag from the Cricket Sports location in Monowi. Teams will vote shares as they see fit.

* In an effort to give the new super conference(s) their own identity there will be new rules and regulations which will differ from those adhered to by other playoff teams:

Helmets. As a tip of the hat to the history of the game players will be allowed to wear helmets of any make and model, including leather, with face masks of their choosing, including single-bar.

Player Eligibility. No need to keep up on your grades, kids, you’re all eligible to play.

Definition of Contact Rules. Helmets only on day one and day two. Except for you, Johnny, you’ll never see the field anyway.

Classification. D1-A will include schools with 425 BOYS or more, while D1-AA will include schools with 424 BOYS or fewer. Unless, of course, there needs to be some shuffling to get to 32 teams then all bets are off.

Cooperatives. In an effort to ensure a smooth transition to the new style of game newly declared teams will be allowed to co-op with a current eight-man team - you know, so they can learn the ropes - as long as the total BOY count does not exceed 425 or more.

Guideline for Bands. The new super conference(s) place a high value on fun and entertainment so bands will be permitted to play constantly throughout the game, as long as they stick with stuff from the ‘70s and ‘80s, and especially if they can work in a little R & B. The use of artificial noisemakers is certainly encouraged, including air horns, whistles, bells, and stuff like that. Megaphones are to be used by cheerleaders only, unless they lend them to the freshmen in the student section.

Public Address Announcers. Should definitely favor the home team, and please, don’t be afraid to throw in a “look out guys, it’s a reverse!” now and then.

* Finally, realizing newly declared programs will need to undergo a crash course on the rules of the eight-man game, super conference teams will be allowed to conduct spring football practice from May 1 until the end of the school year, or June 1, whichever is later. To even the playing field, that also goes for all current eight-man programs in Classes D-1 and D-2.

That’s not really final, though. What is final is this, the final sentence of this masterpiece where I remind you today is April Fool’s Day! Have a good one...